The Colloquial Punjabi

This one is not for the squeamish or the prude. Either one can take an exit now. I had referred to the colloquial Punjabi literature in an earlier movie review. Here we go the whole hog, well almost. So what constitutes the colloquial? Actually it’s a sum total of feelings in everyday human transactions. Most people hardly ever write of what we speak or actually feel. The conventional writer is usually constrained by the opinion that he perceives that people should have of him. Hence the speed breaker he doesn’t drive recklessly over and the proper Queen’s English for every soul. There are honorable exceptions of course. The very original Mulk Raj Anand. A deceptively soft translation of addressing an insignificant village lad is “Pea” because for a rustic Punjabi “Dana” is a normal name for any kid you do not know. However even M R Anand took care not to offend his readers and translated the classical Punjabi abuses MC/BC to an acceptable “Rape of your mother” and “Rape of your sister”. I am sure it’s not the right translation but then Mr Anand is an established and a published literary icon. Who the hell am I to dispute a writing which has won accolades decades back? But gratifyingly he did a faithful reproduction of the classical Punjabi word for gays. English abuses are really no fun and seem almost sophisticated. Therefore a good vocabulary of Punjabi abuses is absolutely essential for a normal life. Were it not so you can well imagine the serious handicap you would have if you were to get into a fight or worse a heated argument. The guy who is better equipped always wins.

How sweet do you think it is when your loved one calls you a doggy? You are going to love it. Alternatively try hearing “Kutta” or better still “Kuttey”. Do you still have the same warm feelings? The usage of this word was taken to an art form by our very own Garam Dharam. And of course there is no fun in questioning a person’s parentage by simply calling him a bastard. Try doing it in a slow drawl a-la Ajit, the Loin of Bollywood. Harrramza… well you know.

There is a time for every thing, even abuses. Some are complimentary. “Arre yaarr toone to BC kamaal kar diya”. Some are not “ Abbe MC, man kar raha hai teri gadi thok doon”. The word “gadi” can also be substituted by other human relationships. Bollywood is still wrongly politically correct. Madar Jaat or Teri Maa Ki Aankh is extensively used but my vocabulary of the language knows that there is no place for these expressions. It means nothing. A much better version of Teri Ma Ki Aankh is used in my friend Tarunjit Tejpal’s book “An Alchemy of Desire” along with a treasure of other vernacular expletives. I doff my hat to him and to the makers of Bandit Queen and Omkara for bravely telling it like it is.

For understanding the graphic descriptions of the Punjabi art of telling someone off or getting rid of your boss or to simply have a good time here is a proven stress buster. Look at the mirror, snort your nose, let the hair of your mustaches bristle, take a deep breath and before you exhale remember the person you hate the most and yell, Teri……………… (Ab kya yeh bhi bataana padega). Just do it man.