Movie Review:Welcome

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Another Sunday, another movie. This one I had been expectantly waiting to see ever since I seen its preview a few months earlier. A story about mobsters taking time off from murder and mayhem to arrange a suitable boy for their sister showed promise. The gangster twosome of Anil Kapoor and Nana Patekar along with their supremo, the dapper Feroz Khan had to be a surefire hit. And the handsome Akki, who can’t do any wrong nowadays, had to deliver. You must have figured out by now where I am heading. I was wrong on all counts. The preview flattered to deceive. It contained the best shots of the movie (but naturally) but take that away and you are left with a damp squib.

It’s not for the first time that the director/producer/story writer/whoever has started with an interesting idea but lost his way before the first two reels were canned. A pathetic commentary on the writing talent serving Bollywood. Sometimes I am forced to think that our guys actually perform the best when they are copying someone else’s idea. That way half their problem is solved. The collective genius of the production unit can then fall back upon their skills honed over years of calculated plagiarism. The disappointment is mine alone. My kids freaked out and the audience clapped regularly. Even I laughed at times. But as the movie progressed the jokes fell flat for me.

This movie is in the genre of Bhagam Bhag, Bhool Bhulaiya, Hera Pheri and Phir hera Pheri, where it depends greatly on a combustion of high voltage activity and a gag a minute. To see where it fails read para two above. The movie has been given a lot of gloss through exotic locales of Dubai and the Sun City of South Africa. But here even Katrina looks phika. Paresh Rawal seriously needs to reinvent himself. He has done the same kind of roles in probably the last twenty movies. Same expression and the same kind of dialogue delivery.

Feroz Khan is a sentimental favorite and it was refreshing to see that he still retains that zing that always made him special. His sense of debonair dressing is still impeccable. Anil Kapoor and Nana were good too, especially Anil. He is ageless and to my mind the next Dev Anand. There is still that spring in his step and his portrayal of the tapori Don has been played to perfection. Nana is for once restrained as opposed to loud but nothing extraordinary. But all three gel perfectly in the title song at the end. Akki is good but has been better. My vote for the most interesting character goes to Mallika Sehrawat. And this has nothing to do with my hormones. She comes across as the sexy, oomphy lass she is supposed to be. The X factor drips from her face and I could see quite a few tongues rolling out in the aisle. May her tribe increase?

Rating: See it if you must but alternatively you is WELCOME for a drink at my pad.

The Colloquial Punjabi

This one is not for the squeamish or the prude. Either one can take an exit now. I had referred to the colloquial Punjabi literature in an earlier movie review. Here we go the whole hog, well almost. So what constitutes the colloquial? Actually it’s a sum total of feelings in everyday human transactions. Most people hardly ever write of what we speak or actually feel. The conventional writer is usually constrained by the opinion that he perceives that people should have of him. Hence the speed breaker he doesn’t drive recklessly over and the proper Queen’s English for every soul. There are honorable exceptions of course. The very original Mulk Raj Anand. A deceptively soft translation of addressing an insignificant village lad is “Pea” because for a rustic Punjabi “Dana” is a normal name for any kid you do not know. However even M R Anand took care not to offend his readers and translated the classical Punjabi abuses MC/BC to an acceptable “Rape of your mother” and “Rape of your sister”. I am sure it’s not the right translation but then Mr Anand is an established and a published literary icon. Who the hell am I to dispute a writing which has won accolades decades back? But gratifyingly he did a faithful reproduction of the classical Punjabi word for gays. English abuses are really no fun and seem almost sophisticated. Therefore a good vocabulary of Punjabi abuses is absolutely essential for a normal life. Were it not so you can well imagine the serious handicap you would have if you were to get into a fight or worse a heated argument. The guy who is better equipped always wins.

How sweet do you think it is when your loved one calls you a doggy? You are going to love it. Alternatively try hearing “Kutta” or better still “Kuttey”. Do you still have the same warm feelings? The usage of this word was taken to an art form by our very own Garam Dharam. And of course there is no fun in questioning a person’s parentage by simply calling him a bastard. Try doing it in a slow drawl a-la Ajit, the Loin of Bollywood. Harrramza… well you know.

There is a time for every thing, even abuses. Some are complimentary. “Arre yaarr toone to BC kamaal kar diya”. Some are not “ Abbe MC, man kar raha hai teri gadi thok doon”. The word “gadi” can also be substituted by other human relationships. Bollywood is still wrongly politically correct. Madar Jaat or Teri Maa Ki Aankh is extensively used but my vocabulary of the language knows that there is no place for these expressions. It means nothing. A much better version of Teri Ma Ki Aankh is used in my friend Tarunjit Tejpal’s book “An Alchemy of Desire” along with a treasure of other vernacular expletives. I doff my hat to him and to the makers of Bandit Queen and Omkara for bravely telling it like it is.

For understanding the graphic descriptions of the Punjabi art of telling someone off or getting rid of your boss or to simply have a good time here is a proven stress buster. Look at the mirror, snort your nose, let the hair of your mustaches bristle, take a deep breath and before you exhale remember the person you hate the most and yell, Teri……………… (Ab kya yeh bhi bataana padega). Just do it man.

Khoya Khoya Chand

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It is a bit difficult to review this movie. The genre is completely different from what we have seen for a long long time and only someone like Prakash Jha could have ventured into this experimental journey. The characters have been picked up from an assortment of actors ruling the marquee of show business in the fifties and sixties. Any movie buff of my age would have a lot of fun in identifying facets of the then superstars in the characters of this movie. I really wished that for once I could see a certificate “Any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely intentional and on purpose”.

The story is of a young actress (is actor more politically correct) Nikhat (Soha Ali Khan) who has been in the business since “she was fourteen” but finally catches the attention of the reigning superstar, superbly played by Rajat Kapoor. She starts tasting success after the customary round of the casting couch. The superstar merrily two times her. The other ethereal beauty is Sonya Jehan (Noorjahan’s grand daughter). While the cats are eyeing each other with feline disdain, in walks Zafar (I love this name) played by Shiny Ahuja. He is the intense writer from a wealthy family of UP who walks out of his house when the domestic demons that plague his mind torment him beyond acceptance. Sparks fly and amidst hushed gasps and passionate embraces a bond is formed which both liberates and constrains him & Nikhat. The pursuance of individual and artistic fulfillment leads to an inevitable chasm between the two. The eventual reunion and the conventional fate of all great love stories is what the rest of movie is all about.

The pace of the movie is slow and both the interval and the end descend quite abruptly but there are many joys in watching what’s in between. The art director has been faithful to the hairstyles and dresses of that era. Soha shows lovely glimpses of her mother’s innocent yet ravishing beauty. It’s after a long time that I saw actors using proper Urdu diction. It was a delight to the ears as was the music by Shantanu Moitra. The title song by Swanand Kirkire & Ajay Jhingran is hard hitting and jolted me out of my stupor and is still flying in the recesses of my clouded mind. “Kyuuuun, Khoye Khoye Chand Ki Phiraq main talash main udaas hai dil…Kyuuun apne aap se khafa khafa zara zara sa naraaz hai dil” In fact the entire musical repertoire has the fragrance of the superlative music of the sixties.

Most of the movie gives you the feel of watching theatre. Movie making shorn of its glamour finds an accurate depiction. A word here about Saurabh Shukla. Damn, how could I forget him? This bottle of Planter’s Bride is pretty potent. (Before my first drink I think it was called Blender’s Pride). Kallu Mama strikes again with a fantastic portrayal of the crass Punjabi producer. For all those familiar with the colloquial Punjabi his abuses were a riot. Some were refined and some were not. There should be a law against censoring Punjabi abuses in movies. I mean where else would you be able to enjoy the best of the rustic literature we have to offer.

Rating: I loved the movie because I am a dreamer and a romantic. Most people won’t. Does that mean most people are not what I am? I do hope so!!